


Angel Baby

by Notorious_StrayKids



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-12 15:22:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17470100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Notorious_StrayKids/pseuds/Notorious_StrayKids
Summary: Kim Seungmin thought losing him had been the worst but knowing he would never get to hold him again, that, that was the worst.





	Angel Baby

**Author's Note:**

> come forth my children be not afraid ~ 
> 
> I don't know tell me how it goes at the end....
> 
> These are the two songs seungmin plays in the story. 
> 
> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Gson1KDV5VE 
> 
> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SeCpQ6n5YwU

Seven out of nine men stood with each other as the priest read from his bible. One could not stand and needed to be in a wheelchair, the other could not stand because....

 

Because he was dead 

 

The warm spring day was much too happy on this heartbreaking day. 

 

Hyunjin and felix, side by side, had been crying loudly much like the boy's parents, not even caring to wipe the tears away as the warm liquid would not stop coming out any time soon. 

Changbin rubbed at hyunjin's back trying to comfort the taller boy and doing the same to felix as changbin himself let out pained sobs. 

Chan was trying to keep it in, he only wanted to provide his group a pillar of support and show that was he was a strong leader, but in the end he is as human as they get and the leader broke down into quiet sobs not long into the ceremony. 

Woojin appeared the most composed. Keyword appeared. He looked at the priest with an emotionless stare and no tears, but on the inside his screams were roaring. The hurt was a pain he had never felt in his 21 years of living. He recalled the time he got into a fight with his bully in high school. He had been rushed to the hospital with a broken arm, a horrible nasty deep gash on his head and a fractured nose. The pain he felt in this moment could never compare. 

Minho's lips trembeled as he tried to keep all his emotions inside, he shouldn't cry here. He could disintegrate and cry and scream as loud as he could when he got home and his parents could comfort him, but not here. He sat on his wheelchair the same wheelchair he would need to use for the rest of his life. The doctor said he would need a miracle for minho to stand on his two feet and walk. 

Ji Sung stood beside him. His hand held onto minho's much like the day he had intertwined his fingers with the older's when JYP asked the dancer to rap for the first time. It had been a gesture of support and it was no different today, however today the support had been mutual. Ji Sung held his head down the whole time. His red swollen eyes not visible to anyone. 

And Kim Seungmin with a blank expression watched as the priest paused from his reading and nodded his head to some men letting them know it was time to lower the casket into the grave. Inside that beautiful cherry wood casket was Yang Jeongin. The boy with the fennec fox eyes that twinkled brightly.

Kim seungmin hadn't made a single noise or moved the slightest bit since they arrived at the funeral. His warm tears rolled in large droplets and his vision had blurred but no matter how many times he blinked it would repeat.

Inside the casket was Yang Jeongin. The boy who Kim Seungmin fell in love with. Seungmin had not been paying attention to the priest or to the sentimental cries around him. Instead, he had been replaying the only thing jeongin had left him, their memories. 

****

****_Seungmin was woken up by a light shake and a soft whisper of "Hyung I can't sleep." He instantly matched the voice with the maknae even in his sleep induced state._

_"Take some of Chan's pills" seungmin mumbled._

_"Hyung I don't wanna depend on the pills to sleep." Jeongin whined raising his voice a little causing felix to stir from his bed a bit. Jeongin returned his attention back to seungmin once he saw felix had stopped moving._

_"Neither does he but that's life." He replied sleepily._

_Jeongin huffed, seungmin hadn't even opened his eyes to look at him so he could forget the idea of getting any help from him. He tip toed quietly out of the room and went back to his own bed crawling under the covers with not a trace of sleep in him. It would be a restless and long night. A few minutes later the door to his and changbin's room opened and a seungmin with unkempt hair and barley open eyes popped in halfway. Jeongin wondered if he came back because he changed his mind and would decide to keep him company after all._

_"Put something warm on." was all that he said before he left and jeongin confusedly got out of bed and changed into a pair of black sweats and a white hoodie. He still felt he would get cold in the frosty early morning air of December so he wrapped a pink scarf around his neck. Once satisfied he made his way out of the room and saw seungmin was already waiting by the dorm's door with his own pair of black sweats and his navy blue hoodie with the red chinese dragon in the center. Jeongin had always thought that one was cool._

_When he walked up to him with a happy smile seungmin pulled out a beanie from god knows where and put it on jeongin's head making the younger smile even wider, showing his beautiful set of braces._

_"Why are we going out?" Jeongin asked as he pulled on his white mouth mask while seungmin did the same before pulling his hoodie over his head._

_"Thought you said you couldn't sleep." He replied, yanking the door open and letting jeongin step out first._

_"I- I did but I didn't think we would go for a walk. It's cold out there and the sun's not even up." He didn't know if seungmin had thought this through._

_"stop complaining and just see what I planned, it's not a walk."_

_Hmmm, maybe he had thought this through after all._

 

_The air had been frosty and it nipped at them but that didn't stop them. Seungmin had first taken them to a little cafe shop 15 minutes from where they lived. They both ordered a hot chocolate and drank it inside the warm cafe. Jeongin had enjoyed it very much and was thankful, but to his surprise there was more._

_"Um hyung, why are we getting on the bus?" They literally lived a walk away and they had walked here so why would they take the bus back?_

_"we're going to the park silly!" Seungmin giggled._

_The park at 5 in the morning ???_

_Perhaps this was payback for waking him up? or seungmin needed a certain amount of sleep to function logically? However, he didn't disagree to follow him to the park either way._

_When they arrived they sat down on a bench with the view of an empty soccer field. They huddled close due to the cold. It was still dark out but the city lights behind them provided some illumination. They talked about anything and asked each other stupid and silly questions and told stories of their own that they would one day look back on as the time passed._

_"Hyung are you content with life?"_

_Jeongin asked as he gazed into the distance. Seungmin looked to his side taken aback with his question. He thought about it as he looked down on his red converse. His life thus far has been one he could look back on with a proud smile. It has been bittersweet living as an idol but there were no regrets there. Becoming a part of straykids had been the biggest blessing he's been fated with. The best part of his life so far, has been meeting the boy with braces sitting right beside him._

_"I am." He finally spoke, looking up at jeongin who turned to look at the other as well with a smile, the smile that gave seungmin strength to keep going, and answered_

_"me too."_

_Seungmin smiled and nodded his head. "Good."_  

_Jeongin was in the middle of telling some story on how he almost ended up with 20 puppies when seungmin told him_

_"Jeongin stop talking and look."_

_Jeongin furrowed his eyebrows confused but nonetheless looked at where the older's gaze was and when he saw what his hyung was seeing his jaw dropped. The sun was coming up to welcome a new beautiful day. The two had been blessed to welcome another day on this earth. Seungmin stole a glance at the maknae and smiled fondly._

 

* * *

 

_Straykids were in New York and chan decided it would be fun to be taken to a pizza place where they had games in the back. He also knew stay would be fed well with a recording of them in that scenario._

_So they all excitedly climbed into the vans and anticipated their arrival to the destination. Upon arriving they stumbled out and filled up the seats closest to the eye catching and neon colored games. They wouldn't play just yet, first they agreed to eat and then they could record the chaos that was sure to ensue inside the small arcade-like area. Chan and Felix took care of ordering pizza and salad with some hot wings, a must for woojin and minho._

_When their three large pizzas, four orders of salads and two bowls of extra hot hot wings arrived, the nine of them didn't hesitate to dig in. Sounds of satisfaction filled the table with each bite._

_"Bite," Minho said as he held a mushroom pizza slice in front of Ji Sung._

_"Hyung I can feed myself." He said but minho just gave him a blank stare and blinked rapidly. He didn't move the pizza slice. Nope._

_Ji Sung sighed and leaned in to take a bite. Minho smiled approvingly and patted his head calling him a good boy. The younger blushed and grumbled something about_

_"I'm not a dog..."_

_Felix thought to do the same for changbin and held a slice of meat lovers pizza in front of him and told him to take a bite. Unlike Ji sung, changbin wasn't complaining and leaned in to take a bite, however, hyunjin spoke up before he could bite down._

_"wait! hyung I have your favorite!" He said holding a slice of jalapeño topped pizza._

_Being sandwiched between felix and hyunjin he simply turned to hyunjin and bit down with a hum of satisfaction. Felix frowned but then changbin turned back to him and took a bite out of the slice felix hadn't put down. He bit hyunjin's slice first so to the freckled boy the taller boy had won this round._

_"okay! Let's get our game on!" Chan announced shortly after._

_They group recorded sufficient footage before they turned the cameras off and enjoyed the rest of their time there with the only cameras recording them being the security ones from the pizza place._

_"Hannie~ win me a stuffed animal~" minho purred as he dragged ji sung towards the claw machine._

_"Hyung those things are rigged. They only take your money." Ji sung rationalized to the older._

_"That's not entirely true! Not everyone loses to its mighty metal claw, try for me. Please~"_

_"and if I don't?" He asked teasingly but then minho gave him a sinister look before saying_

_"then your arm wouldn't have much use and I'd have no other choice but to yank it off."_

_Ji Sung swallowed audibly "hyung you're..... not okay sometimes... I can tell you a hundred reasons why having my right arm is useful but you'd dismiss them and deem them not good enough, so I'll win you a damn toy."_

_"Yay!"_

_Ji sung lost 12 dollars to the stupid machine before he finally pulled out a stuffed cheetah. 12 bucks! ji sung wanted to combust and tell hyung that going to the store and buying him one would've saved him time and frustration but the way minho hugged it to his chest made him know it was all worth it this way. But then-_

_"Soon-ie and Doong-ie are going to love it!"_

_Ji sung deadpanned "y-you're giving the toy I just won for YOU to your cats?!?"_

_"Hey watch your tone when you speak about my babies!"_

_"I- you're unbelievable. I wanna go home now thank you very much." He pouted and crossed his arms._

_"aww did hyung go too far?" Minho asked in a baby voice and ji sung huffed but it made minho's heart melt._

_"I hope you can forgive me and... I won't give it to the cats. I promise." He said and then gently pressed a kiss onto ji sung's cheek. Ji Sung blushed and suddenly minho could do no wrong in his eyes. He genuinely hated how manipulative minho could be yet he always seemed to feed minho's compulsive disorder._

_"Don't even worry about it hyung."_

_"guys guys! look what hannie won for me!" Minho announced to his group. They all came up to the duo and decided they would try to win something as well although ji sung warned he had tried twelve times, they wanted to try for themselves._

_"I wanna try first!"_

_"No! I do!"_

_"I'm older than you!"_

_"I'm older than all of you so I should go first!"_

_"ahem you know how we settle things."_

_"ROCK! PAPER! SCISSORS!"_

_The order would go as the following: chan, jeongin, woojin, seungmin, felix, changbin and lastly hyunjin._

_Chan got lucky on his fifth try and won a stuffed bunny. Jeongin won on the second try and won a stuffed goat. Woojin on his ninth  try pulled out a wolf aka "chan" as he named it. Felix, oh poor felix tried 17 times before he finally won a stuffed koala, it's ironically why he took so many tries to win it, as his heart had been set on that stuffed creature even though it was placed in a particular angle that made it that much harder to win. Seungmin was really close to pulling out two toys at the same time on his tenth go at the machine but then the bird dropped from the claw before it reached the drop box and he was left with a fox. He gave it to jeongin claiming that jeongin was the fox king therefore it made sense if he owned it instead. In return jeongin gave him his goat and asked him_

_"remember that time you and minho hyung wanted to see who could head butt harder and used changbin hyung as your target practice?"_

_To which seungmin replied "I put that memory in the back of my mind but you just brought it back up to the surface, at what cost?"_

_"My stomach was sore for a week because I was caught in between their stupid bet..." changbin interjected._

_"well, goats head butt!" He smiled dumbly before bursting with giggles and soon everyone was laughing. Except seungmin and changbin._

_Changbin won on his third try and his prize was a stuffed lion which he then gifted to Felix since the other had spent so much time on his that he actually felt bad and thought he deserved two prizes. Hyunjin pretended he didn't see that from where he stood beside woojin._

_Hyunhin was the real winner in the end of the day. He won five times all on all first tries. The car ride back home was silent with defeat among a victorious smiling hyunjin._

 

* * *

 

_The group had just finished practicing their choreography for 'I Am You' as tired bodies with heavy breathing occupied the room._

_"Can we bring take out?" Minho suggested._

_"Oh yeah let's do that!" Felix agreed._

_"I'm fine as long as I get to pick where!" changbin chimed in._

_"Why should you?! we decide with Rock Paper Scissors" seungmin fought._

_"Because you guys always leave me to clean the mess by myself! I deserve this!" He fought back._

_"He's right." Hyunjin agreed._

_"You're only agreeing because you like him!" Ji Sung announced and received a glare from Felix._

_"Not as much as you like minho hyung. You're whipped but you won't admit it!" Hyunjin remarked back with a smirk._

_"you better not fight that statement han ji sung or you'd be lying to both of us." Minho warned and ji sung blushed wide eyed but kept quiet._

_"Chris do something..." woojin pleaded_

 

_"right. okay that's enough, um changbin I'm sorry mate but we Rock Paper Scissors in his household. If we stopped doing that then our house would fall into chaos and madness. you understand don't ya?" chan asked with an apologetic smile._

_"yeah yeah" he grumbled but chan swears he heard him say "heathens. All of you." Under his breath._

_In the end, the place woojin picked was the winner and chan, woojin and minho went to go pick up their order. Ji sung stayed wanting to avoid contact with minho for the time being and he instead went to shower. Changbin had been granted the honor of picking dessert and he eagerly accepted in the cutest way possible. Felix volunteered to go with him and hyunjin tagged along much to felix's anguish.  Don't get him wrong he loved his hyung, he'd be ready to square up on anyone who caused him any harm. But with every look, touch or whisper hyunjin gave changbin, the older slipped further and farther away. Felix feared one day he would get hurt._

_Seungmin and jeongin had stayed behind alone together in the practice room._

_"Do you wanna practice some more?" Seungmin offered after a a while of silence._

_"Oh no, I think we've practiced enough. I'm pretty sure I can dance it in my sleep." Jeongin replied terrified._

_Seungmin laughed at that " yeah chan is really making us go through it. But he's only leading us into a rewarding future." He added and jeongin agreed._

_After another wave of silence, not awkward just peaceful, seungmin spoke once more._

_"do you know how to slow dance?"_

_"I- slow dance? No, not really."_

_"cool. c'mon I'll teach you." Seungmin said while getting up from where he was lying down on the polished floor. Jeongin's eyes followed to where the excited boy went over to connect his phone to the speaker._

_"why?" Jeongin decided to ask. He wasn't too tired to try but why did seungmin seem eager teach?_

_"If you don't know how to slow dance then how will you dance in your future wedding?" Seungmin simply replied._

_Jeongin simply shrugged. Guess he had a point ?_

_"Hmm. oh this one!" Seungmin said to himself as he chose a song to play._

_Soft melodic music filled the room. It sounded romantic which made sense for a slow dance. The woman's voice held passion and emotion that convinced how much the person this song was dedicated to meant to her. What caught his attention was that the song didn't sound like it belonged to this generation. The song itself started in English. Jeongin didn't recognize it._

_"okay just follow my lead. It's all in the feet and I'll just let you know now that it's okay to step on me. All beginners start like that." Seungmin instructed_

_He pulled the younger in closer putting his hand on jeongin's waist taking his left hand and intertwining it with his own._

_"put your other hand on my shoulder." He continued instructing._

_"wow hyung we look like a couple!" Jeongin beamed._

_"That's kinda the point." Seungmin chuckled._

_seungmin began to move his feet and jeongin followed._

_"1 2 , 1 2, 1 2," he repeated to the younger to help get him in sync._

_"whoops! sorry!" Jeongin yelped when he stepped on his foot._

_"it's okay it's okay c'mon you're doing good." He encouraged so the other would not get discouraged._

_They moved around the room in  lovely sync. Side to side, forward and backward._

_"okay I'm going to give you a spin."_

_"No I can't do that!"_

_"It's really easy you just twirl and I'll pull you back to me. yeah?"_

_"okay..." Jeongin bit his lip and he answered hesitantly._

_seungmin nodded._

_"okay and spin."_

_jeongin spun as seungmin pushed him outward but just like seungmin had told him he pulled him back towards him._

_"very good!" Seungmin praised._

_He could tell jeongin could handle more._

_"okay now we'll try a dip."_

_Jeongin wanted to tell him he's crazy and sadistic because he's just a beginner. However, jeongin was surprised at how not once had they stopped dancing as seungmin added new steps in and jeongin did exceptionally well so that gave him confidence to think maybe he was good and he could totally handle a dip._

_"Don't drop me" Jeongin warned._

_"I won't."_

_"okay 1, 2, 3 dip."_

_Seungmin put his hand to jeongin's lower back and guided him tenderly. Jeongin leaned back and seungmin leaned forward. For a moment Jeongin thought the both of them would hilariously fall down but just like that seungmin pulled them back up and jeongin felt so proud and relived._

_The song had been replaying but jeongin had not been paying attention to the sound or lyrics as he was too focused on not messing up._

_"you're really good at this innie! Now I'm going to put a different song and we'll dance for real."_

_"That wasn't real enough for you!" Jeongin yelled jokingly_

_"no you're right. The amount of times you stepped on my foot makes it real enough." seungmin joked back as he walked over to change to song._

_He smiled down on his phone and gave a short nod._

_"mkay, ready?"_

_"Yes sir!"_

_Seungmin laughed and ran over to jeongin as the song began. Just like the other one this one was in English and sounded older than both seungmin and jeongin._

_"Hyung, what kind of music is this ?" He asked as they moved with much better ease and fewer nerves on jeongin's part._

_"what can I say, I love oldies."_

_huh, that was a new side of seungmin to jeongin._

_They danced around and every so often seungmin would say "spin" and "dip" and on command jeongin knew what to do. Slow dancing felt amazing once he got the hang of it!_

_The song started again and this time seungmin sang along._

_"You're mine and we belong together_

_yes, we belong together, for eternity_

_you're mine, your lips belong to me yes, they belong to only me, for eternity_

_you're mine, my baby and you'll always be I swear by everything I own you'll always, be mine."_

_Seungmin held his gaze on jeongin's eyes as he sung. Jeongin grinned at how happy seungmin looked. His eyes held pure admiration as they slowly moved downward to look at the younger's lips._

_Jeongin felt seungmin lean closer and thought maybe it was a silent command to dip but seungmin pulled him in and pressed his lips against his._

_The kiss was soft and quick and when seungmin pulled away from jeongin completely he frowned as he looked at the ground._

_Jeongin stared with wide eyes and he lifted his hand to touch his lips where just seconds ago seungmin kissed him with his own._

_"I'm sorry. I- just forget that happened." Seungmin nervously said as he rubbed the back of his hair. What did he just do?!_

_"w-well you only try and forget when something that's happened is bad" Jeongin said blushing and now he was the one looking at the ground._

_Seungmin looked up to look at his side slowly, he let out a shaky sigh._

_"Jeongin I love you."_

_"WE HAVE FOOD!!"_

_seungmin and jeongin both flinched and turned their attention to the door where minho made his grand entrance with two white plastic bags in his hands. Chan trailed behind him with drinks and woojin came in last with two more bags._

_Seungmin ran towards them to help chan with the drinks and jeongin followed his every move but figured he would put what just happened aside for the time being._

_"what took you guys so long ?" Seungmin asked._

_"Minho made us stop at this new pet store and he bought his cats this weird scratching post in the image of a castle" woojin responded shaking his head_

_"The loves of my life deserve nothing but the best!"_

_"Then why didn't you buy anything for han?" chan smirked_

_"watch it Christopher." He warned_

_Jeongin joined to help set out the food and minutes later changbin and his group arrived with a freshly showered ji sung behind them._

_After a nice dinner they headed home and freshened up before heading to their respective rooms to relax_

_Felix had been showing seungmin a new video game his friend from Australia had mailed to him. The Aussie had been very excited and a little sensitive as he missed his friends back home very much while he explained what the objective of the game was._

_The door to their room creaked open and jeongin shyly stepped inside. The two observed and waited to see what he had to say but he didn't speak, instead he nervously walked up to felix's bed where the duo were situated comfortably. Felix gripped onto his nintendo switch and seungmin hugged a pillow. The two could see how unsettled jeongin was behaving._

_Seungmjn wanted to ask him if he was okay and the thought that the younger would want to talk about what went down earlier in the practice room did ring an alarm in his head._

_The maknae extended his hand which held a purple folded up piece of paper towards seungmin. With gentle fingers seungmin took the paper in his grasp. From beside him felix watched the interaction unfold with slight confusion._

_"good night seungmin hyung, good night felix hyung." He bid as he turned around and exited the room._

_"Are you two okay?" Felix asked once their door closed._

_"I won't know until I read this." He replied as he held the purple letter in front of the older's face._

_"Then let's read it!" Felix beamed._

_"Nice try Aussie boy but this is personal." Seungmin said as he got up and went to sit on the edge of his own bed._

_Felix pouted "geez with the way you're acting you'd think he just handed you a love letter..."_

_Seungmin looked up to him with an incredulous face before he huffed. Smart felix, very smart._

_"and would that be a problem?" He asked tilting his head to the side. His expression told felix he should be careful with his response but it also held a trace of anxiety of hearing his answer._

_Felix's mouth opened wide and Seungmin had to do something quick before the older brought everyone inside their room. He launched at him and slapped a hand over the aussie's mouth to keep him quiet._

_"don't make me suffocate you." Seungmin wouldn't do that no, not intentionally anyways. Out of panic anyone is capable of accidentally hurting others however._

_"mhmm mm mmmm m!" Fleix said shaking his head._

_"If I take my hand off will you be quiet ?"_

_Felix nodded vigorously._

_"Seungmin! You like him?!"_

_There was no reason to deny it, felix was right and seungmin trusted him enough to confirm the truth._

_"Correction love... but y-yes I do."_

_Felix started to bounce on his bed his video game long forgotten and seungmin scoffed._

_"you're acting like the tea has been spilled at a sleepover, calm down."_

_"calm down!? But this is so exciting!! Hyung I've ascended! He just-"  Felix paused and looked at seungmin with a worried expression and the younger swore the kid was going through it._

_"D-does he like you back ?"_

_"I suppose if you would let me read this then I would know." Seungmin answered with a huff._

_"Oh! Sorry! Yeah okay go ahead!"_

_Seungmin nodded and began to unfold the letter but stopped as soon as he started by an interruption brought to you by yours truly._

_"Oh and minnie, whatever that letter says I'm here for you." Felix spoke in a serious tone, a drastic change to his hyper self just seconds ago. Seungmin didn't know how he would handle what jeongin had written. If he returned his feelings then it would make seungmin explode with happiness! But if the letter stated otherwise... well that would probably be the worst heartbreak he'd ever experience.... but it's not like he ever expected jeongin to see him the way he did. He never even expected to confess his love for him let alone KISS him... but then he figured.._

_it do be like that. Seungmin knew sharing a room with meme boy was the cause of him thinking in the way he just did._

_He gave a short nod and held his breath as he managed to open the letter with no further interruptions._

_**Dear Seungmin Hyung,** _

_**I kinda felt that coming.. the way you look at me, talk to me, the way you even touch me sometimes, it gave me a hint but I was never certain. Another thing I was uncertain about was how I feel about you. I've always loved the adventures you and I have more often than not. Your hugs, even though I push you away most of the time I can't imagine if one day they suddenly stopped. I won't lie and I'll admit I once questioned if our friendship was something else. Today when we were slow dancing to that nice song my heart beat for you and a strong wave of want crashed through me. Then you kissed me and I knew. It felt like my eyes opened and I saw you in a different way. It's as simple as it is complicated but, I like you back. In fact, even though I don't know much about what love is really like I think it's safe to say that's what you and I share."** _

_***A little fox holding a heart shaped ballon is drawn on the bottom right corner*** _

_Seungmin hands had been shaking and his breathing was uneven from the first word he read. His stomach which had been doing flips was now doing summersaults. Jeongin.... just told him he was going to catch him. Tears began to fall from his eyes and felix who had been watching him intently, instantly got up to comfort him thinking those tears were caused by bad news._

_"awww mate I'm sorry." He let seungmin put his head on his stomach and rubbed his back._

_"I know the feeling of rejection all too well. You know I-"_

_"He likes me back." Seungmin said barely audible. Felix gently pushed him away so he could look at his face properly and asked. "wait, what?"_

_"He likes me back felix." Seungmin looked up at him with glinting eyes, sniffling and wiping at the tears before laughing a short laugh filled with genuine joy._

_"oh my god! This, this- seungmin mate, I'm happy for ya. My soul has literally ascended to another dimension!"_

_Seungmin laughed at the older's choice of words and felt the genuine warmth felix radiated most of the time. Felix was as pure as they come. He looked back down to the best letter he's ever received and smiled widely._

_"Does this mean you'll date him now? We can help you keep it a secret from the media and JYP. I'm sure the Hyungs would jump on this train with me."_

_Seungmin frowned and shook his head. As much as he wanted to do that and let the world know that jeongin belonged to him, he couldn't. It would be too stressful and the risk of being caught would have severe consequences._

_"No. If we were caught then we'd both have to leave the group for violation of the contract. I can't do that to you guys, jeongin or myself. I'll patiently wait those three years for the dating ban to be lifted and once it does, I'll call him mine. Officially."_

_Felix grinned and nodded his head. "Respect man. I can't believe how this night turned out. Imma mark this on my calendar and- oh! are you going to tell the others?!"_

_Seungmin thought it over briefly. "No, not yet."_

_Felix felt honored to be the first and only one to know. He hugged seungmin good night and crawled under the covers and welcomed sleep in all its glory just as seungmin did the same but not before he thanked his lucky stars._

 

_1 week later the van jeongin had been in would collide with another vehicle resulting in his death._

 

 

 

Seungmin let a heart wrenching cry break his silence. His body shook violently as the emotions going through him overwhelmed him all at once. He felt sick and his mind was heavy and fuzzy. The fact that jeongin, his jeongin was going to be buried forever didn't feel real. He didn't want it to be. No one did. 

He would never again hear his voice or his beautiful singing. Never again would he get to hold him in his arms only to have the maknae push him away and call him an annoying hyung. The dead boy would never get to smile that wonderful smile. Their late night and early morning adventures had come to an end. Asking jeongin to be his had been shattered like glass.

Seungmin had been rudely awoken from his day dream where he and jeongin danced like they had that day in the practice room except now it had been at their own wedding. The dream of growing old with jeongin by his side died when jeongin gave his least breath inside the ambulance on his way to the hospital. Seungmin should've been inside that van with him. He should've been there with minho, woojin, felix and changbin. 

But he wasn't. 

He wasn't there when the impact of the other car hit their van. He wasn't there when the car flipped and rolled two times before coming to a complete stop upright. He wasn't there when minho's legs got stuck between the insides of the now misshapen car mutilating them as the boy screamed in agony. He wasn't there when felix's arm snapped as the white of bone pierced through his soft skin. He wasn't there when woojin yelled frantically for help to the people outside who tried desperately to get them out as sirens sounded in the background.  Nor was he there when changbin hit his head and heard the fuzzy voices and saw blurred faces before he passed out. Seungmin wasn't there when a razor sharp piece of metal impaled into jeongin's stomach causing him bleed internally. 

He didn't hear the way jeongin choked on his own blood and gurgled cries left his lips. He didn't hear as the youngest tried to call out his name but couldn't manage to produce the syllables as the thick red liquid spilled out of him. He didn't hear as his pained whimpers began to slow down and decrease in volume as the boy got dangerously sleepy. 

He was there in the hospital when the doctor told chan, hyunjin, han and he that jeongin had not made it. The four would then later need to rely the horrible news onto the rest. He was there when after hours of surgery the doctor came back with more bad news and told them minho was paralyzed from the waist down. He was there when woojin was admitted due to trauma and when changbin woke up screaming, a late reaction to the accident. He was there when felix came out with a cast on his arm and a terrified stare. 

He was here now at jeongin's funeral. He erratically ran up to the lowering casket and put a hand on the metal device that took jeongin deeper into the earth and away from them. He pulled on it desperately while screaming his name in pained sobs. 

"No, no, no, no, no!" He repeated over and over. He felt two pairs of hands lift him up and away. He had caused a scene due to hysteria and heartbreak. The already heavy hearts in the funeral only ached more as they watched him pathetically act out, his group members and jeongin's family members alike. 

He was dragged away by chan and han, his two friends telling him to calm down and breathe but seungmin could not hear them. They feared seungmin would hurt himself if he didn't calm down and intake oxygen. They dragged him away until the gathered people at the funeral could not be heard or seen. He couldn't take it anymore and collapsed onto chan. The leader held onto him and lowered them onto the soft grass as the two of them cried while holding onto each other. crying hurt and they were tired of it being the only thing they had done since the accident 2 days ago. Ji sung walked away and screamed up at the sky, collapsing onto his knees. How could it end like this? 

 

They had all lost a brother and more. The eight survivors had to glue what was left of their broken family but they don't know how to start. 

They would not be continuing as straykids, it was discussed, although it wasn't much of a discussion but rather a couple of words said which would not be contradicted. It would always be nine or none. 

Chan and Felix took the first flight back to Australia after the funeral. They wanted to go back home and try and deal with jeongin's death. They all did. Right now they needed their parents to hold them in their strong and loving embrace, something Jeongin would not feel again nor his parents and siblings have the chance to do, and tell them it would be okay and the pain would go away only leaving a scar. Just as they would when they were little kids who had tripped on their own feet and scraped their knee. 

The remaining eight didn't know when the strength to be together again would come back to them. It would hurt too much to do it now, the empty space where a smiling jeongin should be would only relapse any progress they wanted to make. 

when seungmin arrived home he went straight to his old room and it brought him nostalgia, bittersweet. Shutting himself off and isolating himself in his room  worried his parents but when they checked on their son and saw he had fallen asleep due to exhaustion, whimpering and twitching in his sleep, they hurt at seeing their boy like this. 

 

***six months later***

seungmin awoke disoriented just like all previous mornings. It would take a while for him to remember why he was back in his old room and not in the dorm with felix. and then he would remember. The routine played out with seungmin feeling overwhelmed and punching his walls while yelling like a crazy man or just simply crying on his bed until his parents would rush in and try to soothe him best they could. The pills would be forced inside his mouth to help ease the process and then seungmin would go numb again almost brain dead like. 

But today had been different from the moment he woke up. For the first time he woke up and he knew he was back in his old room. He didn't cry or scream nor did he get up to punch the already damaged wall out of frustration. which at one point his parents wanted to admit him into a facility for so he wouldn't hurt himself but the more they thought it over the more they agreed that sending their son to be locked in  a padded room would be the wrong choice. 

"Mom!" 

His mother was quick to arrive and his father followed soon after. The two are shocked to see him sitting upright on his bed and not having an episode. He was calm. 

"Are you okay?" His mother asks voice laced with worry and concern for her child. 

"jeongin's dead isn't he?" He asks, looking at her with an innocent stare. 

"Y-yes dear he is.." she sighs apologetically. The two feel at any moment he'll spazz out but he never does. Instead he nods as if he just now he'd come to accept the truth. 

"I'm hungry." 

It takes a while for her to come down from the shock and react to his request. He was hungry? They usually had to coerce him to eat and even then it wasn't enough so they had more pills for that. 

"Yes, yes of course I'll go make you your favorite dish how about that, hmm?" She nods her head quickly and anxiously waits for his reply. 

"Yes please." He answers, ever so calm. 

His mother's eyes fill with tears as his father's eyes smile for the first time since seeing his son come back home. She goes to give him a kiss on his forehead. Perhaps this sudden change is a sign and her son saw a speck of light today. 

His father stepped in closer and gives him a kiss as well. 

"How about some sunshine buddy?" He asks walking up to the curtains but doesn't pull on them until he gets a response.

"yeah." This dark room could use some light. A lot actually. 

His father leaves after promising him they'll return with his breakfast and seungmin is left alone in his room with navy blue walls and sunshine pouring in from the large window. He looks around his room, really looks. He notes nothing had been moved out of place but somehow it appeared different from when he last saw it which was when he left  to live with the guys. 

He looks at his desk where his Mario collectibles stand neatly. A purple piece of paper catches his attention. He pulls the covers up and gets out of bed to investigate it. Upon opening it he instantly puts it down swallowing hard and beginning to breathe unevenly. He doesn't need to read it all the way to know that it is jeongin's love letter to him. It had been one of the few items he brought with him from the dorm. He also brought his stuffed goat. 

He went back to bed to calm down and when his parents came back with his food they caught the slight change but understood it was still too early and this was merely his first baby step in recovery. 

While he eats he stares blankly at the purple note and that's when he gets an idea. He set his spoon down in the bowl and sets his food tray on his brown wooden night stand. He gets out of bed and goes to his desk for the second time today. He pulls the office chair out and sits down. His hands with gauze-wrapped knuckles pick up the letter with care and tuck it away safely in the back on his journal. The journal with blank ready to fill out yellow pages. He takes his red, blue ink fountain pen and begins to write. 

He would write a letter every day starting from this November day until he died or his hands developed arthritis and he could no longer hold a fountain pen up. 

He smiles when he finishes and gets up to leave his room. Today is the day he decides to take a step towards picking up his life , today he will go to his friends where his broken but slowly recovering once group mates are sure to be waiting for him as well as the return of Felix and chan. A reunification was well on its way. 

The yellow letter laid untouched, this letter and future ones were not meant to be mailed out or given away and no one would ever physically receive them but seungmin felt he could still communicate with him this way until they met again. 

Each letter would begin with 

Dear Jeongin, 

 

and end with 

 

 

sincerely yours, your dandy boy Kim Seungmin. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> hehe how was it ? I know I know my writing skills aren't leveled up but I plan to keep writing stories and you know what they say, practice makes perfect!


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